So often clients come to therapy and say that they (or their partner) think that they are too “needy.” Whenever I hear this, I become very curious—and in a way that often surprises my clients. This is so, because instead of assuming (as they do) that there is a problem with them, I instead become curious about which of their needs are being met and which aren’t.
When a person feels “needy,” to me that simply means that for some reason their needs are not being met. This can be for a wide variety of reasons. It may be that they are unable to receive from others, themselves, or the world, or it may be that the natural and instinctive needs that they have truly are not being met.
Interestingly, food cravings are another expression of “neediness”—whether the unmet needs are physical or emotional. Most of us have heard of “emotional eating.” Emotional eating is merely a reflection of unmet emotional needs that an individual seeks to fill using food as a vehicle. Physical causes for food cravings, on the other hand, can be many, including internal physical discomfort due to inflammation, sometimes related to food sensitivities.
This said, there are also times where physical food cravings are the body’s way to signal nutrient deficiencies. Years ago, I remember learning about a study where a very young child with vitamin D deficiency chose cod liver oil instead of tastier food options. The range of nutrient deficiencies can be great and can lead to cravings—some may actually be healthy for that person to consume, and sometimes the food that is craved may not actually be the best for them to eat. My point here is that it is most important to be curious about the source of neediness, instead of judging the craving or the person experiencing them—they might actually offer valuable information. The possibilities for healing are far more abundant and likely when we approach needs from the mindset of compassionate curiosity and seek appropriate guidance and support by a qualified healthcare professional.
In relationships, the longing and need for a sense of connection and mattering is extremely important. In the busy-ness of our current society, these needs are often overlooked and not properly attended to. Instead of truly engaging in a mindful and present way with those we care about, it is easy to fall into the habit of taking each others’ existence and emotional needs for granted. This often results in an unpleasant reaction that leads one or both individuals in the relationship feeling “needy” or otherwise hurt.
By de-pathologizing the notion of “neediness,” we can carry forward with exploring ways to meaningfully meet our needs and more effectively help those we love also better meet theirs. When we are emotionally available to one another (and ourselves), it is amazing how much better everyone can feel!
Theresa, I like your approach as you state it here. I like it for, in my experience, one needs to develop oneself preferably then trying to fix oneself or fix another. Of course, becoming aware of what one wants / needs actually are, takes being responsible for it missing as well…. verses blaming it on the actions of the other party… eg. “Because he does this and that…that I feel this way.”
And, as you stated, in other terms, to take ownership of this neediness. I am pointing this out, for being 100% responsible for ones own neediness is not usually easily accepted…. in my experience.
I can see how the neediness ties into the relationship to food. What puzzles me is : many parents use food as a reward. I have a relative who gives her grandchildren yummy bedtime snacks. Something seems amiss here however, there is no way she would listen to me. Her 2 daughters are obese. They are in their 30s and have been this way all their lives. This leaves me to believe she (the grandmother) is the one with the problem.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Mona.
You brought up many important issues. In our culture, we often see a reticence to naming our “needs”—for fear of appearing selfish. At the same time we long to be understood and known by others. This combination of feelings can create an interesting dilemma, which for some, turns into hurt, resentment, and dysfunctional coping strategies (which may or may not involve food, sex, alcohol or other drugs, or a wide range of other behaviours that are not life-enhancing). In addition, even when offered to have one’s needs met, learning that it really is okay to receive from others can be a challenge for some. Hence, the ability to own one’s needs is fraught with challenges. The great news is that with competent and caring counselling, these challenges can often be successfully addressed.
In terms of the food piece, we really are dealing with an uphill battle! The tradition of using food as a reward has been around for a very long time, I believe with very primitive roots. What makes it worse is the nature of the rewards that are now typically given in modern society, which are often full of refined sugar, gluten, salt, dairy, toxic fats, and endless chemicals that most of us can’t even pronounce! Prior the introduction of the plethora of refined and chemically-treated and genetically-altered foods (as well as “fast-food restaurants”), even though treats were still offered, these treats were more often of the whole-food variety. Unfortunately, the common “treats” that are now given (to both children and adults, I might add) are not only unhealthy, but brain research is now unveiling that they also may be very addictive. You might appreciate this website for really easy-to-understand information about recent discoveries around food addiction and the impact on the brain (http://foodaddictionresearch.org/). When we understand what we’re actually dealing with, sometimes it makes the decision to try something new a much easier task.
As we are seeing the frightening rise in obesity and diabetes (especially in our young people), we are invited to re-examine common practices and habits and explore new ways to be in relationship with food and our bodies, as well as invite new food choices and ingredients into our bodies and into the bodies of those we love. Changing how we do things, especially when they are such entrenched habits as you described your relative having, can be extremely difficult. I believe that the intentions of the grandmother offering “yummy bedtime snacks” were pure and perhaps even an effort of offering “love”. However, the association of love and food (especially when it is food that harms those we love) can be inherently problematic in many ways. This is another beautiful opportunity to shift our focus to what I like to call “compassionate curiosity” as we all join efforts to better understand where we are, what seems to be working and what doesn’t seem to be all that great, as well as collectively explore solutions about where we want to go and turn the health trends around into the direction we all long for.