When the words ‘I’m fine’ do not really capture the truth…
This is such a tricky one, and is yet another reflection of the discomfort we have in our society of being able to communicate our needs clearly. What makes this all the more complicated is how pervasive the communication dance around personal needs is.
I could not begin to venture to guess how often the social convention of asking someone how they are doing or if they need something is more of a thing to say, rather than a genuine question. The words can lead to confusion for the person on the receiving end of the question who may wonder ‘Does this person REALLY want to know the answer to their question, or do they want me to say the socially appropriate ‘I’m fine’ instead’? Most often, the safe response is the latter of these. As a psychologist, I am keenly aware of this, because therapy is one of the only places where such questions are asked as an invitation for a genuine response. This is not, however, the norm in daily conversation. Unfortunately, it is all-too-often not even the norm in many close relationships.
What makes the situation more complex is the comfort we have (or do not have) with having and actually expressing our needs. In a culture where having needs is often frowned upon, the majority of the population tries to deny these needs. The learned response of ‘I’m fine’ is a classic example of this. I would like to challenge this norm and suggest that we might all benefit and better serve each other by experimenting with trying something new.
The solution to this habituated practice is actually quite simple. All we need to do is re-think the degree of trust and honesty we are willing (and able) to communicate, as well as our willingness to communicate to others that needs are indeed valued….and that the truth of the experience of others is actually welcomed.
Invitation for Reflection: Is it possible to imagine a world where people can feel safe to express their needs? What gets in your own way of speaking the truth when asked how you are or if there is something another might be able to do to lighten your load or bring a dose of sunshine to your day? How often have you noticed yourself asking another about how they are doing or if there is some way you might be of service, when you do not really prepared for the truth of their response?
As you reflect on these questions, notice if you would like to make any changes in your communication habits that might welcome in even just a little more honesty to the dialogue. How do you imagine you might feel differently if you make these changes and what do you think might be the impact on your relationships with others?
If you decide to make these changes, take note of your discoveries….I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what you discover!!!
Just one more way to invite more deliciousness into your life…
Theresa Nicassio PhD
